not everyone is your people and your weird is someone's wonderful.
your field guide to finding your people.
You know that moment when you're at a party, trying to explain why you'd rather spend Saturday night reorganising your bookshelf by colour and publication date, and everyone looks at you like you've just suggested eating soup with a fork? Yeah, that moment.
The one where you realise you might be speaking fluent Klingon to a room full of people who only understand interpretive dance.
Welcome to the club of magnificent misfits.
Population: more than you think.
Here's the thing nobody tells you about belonging: sometimes the most brutal breakups aren't with lovers; they're with the illusion that you're supposed to fit everywhere.
That peculiar heartbreak you're feeling? It has a fancy psychological name. Brené Brown calls it "the pain of disconnection," but I prefer to call it "the Tuesday afternoon existential crisis when you realise your group chat has been active without you."
As Brown puts it: "We are biologically, cognitively, physically, and spiritually wired to love, to be loved, and to belong." The kicker? We're not wired to belong everywhere.
Let's get nerdy for a hot second.
Social identity theory (developed by Henri Tajfel, who probably also felt out of place at parties) tells us that humans naturally form tribes. It's not personal; it's anthropological. We have been doing this since we decided which cave had the best acoustics for our prehistoric jam sessions. I don't believe in evolution, but I am African, and a person is usually the sum of their community. Humans will forever seek tribes.
Carl Jung, patron saint of introverts everywhere, said it best: "The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are."
Stop shapeshifting!
The "Stop Doing This Immediately" Mini List:
1. Stop diluting your personality like it's concentrated orange juice
2. Stop apologising for having opinions stronger than lukewarm tea.
3. Stop editing your soul for someone else's comfort level
In everything, quality over quantity, always!
Your Weird Is Someone's Wonderful
Remember when you were a kid and thought quicksand would be a much bigger problem in adult life? Well, fitting in everywhere is the actual quicksand. The more you struggle to please everyone, the deeper you sink into Generic Human Territory.
As Maya Angelou wisely noted: "If you are always trying to be normal, you will never know how amazing you can be."
Your Field Guide to Finding Your People
Research shows that you only need 3 to 5 solid connections to significantly boost your wellbeing. That's it. Not 500 Facebook friends. Not 10K Instagram followers. Just enough people to form a really mediocre basketball team.
The Energy Audit Exercise:
Notice who makes you feel like you need a nap afterwards (energy vampires).
Notice who makes you feel like you've just had three espressos (energy espressos).
Invest accordingly.
The "They're Not Your People" Recognition System
You know they're not your people when:
Your jokes land with the grace of a giraffe on roller skates
You feel like you're constantly translating yourself
Coffee with them feels like a performance review
You leave feeling like you need to apologise for... existing?
You know they ARE your people when:
Your weirdness makes sense to them
Silence isn't awkward, it's comfortable
They get your obscure references to old movies and inside jokes
You can ugly cry about your existential crisis, and they'll pass the tissues and order food.
Here's what psychologists call "self differentiation," and what I call "the sweet relief of giving up on being universally adored": You get to be exactly who you are. Full stop. No asterisks. No terms and conditions apply.
"No need to hurry. No need to sparkle. No need to be anybody but oneself." - Virginia Woolf
This week, try this radical experiment:
Say one true thing that might make someone uncomfortable.
Share one passion that makes you light up like Ivan after writing his newsletter.
Decline one invitation that makes your soul feel tired
Send one message to someone who gets your particular brand of weird.
Listen, in a world of 8 billion people, not everyone is going to appreciate your specific cocktail of quirks, dreams, and midnight anxieties. Some people will think you're too much. Others will believe you are not enough. A confused few will think you're just the right amount, but for all the wrong reasons ... and that is okay.
Because somewhere out there, there's a small, mighty group of humans who will look at your particular brand of chaos and think, "Yes. This one. This is my kind of weirdo." They won't need the edited version, the polite version, or the "professional headshot" version of you.
So stop auditioning for roles in other people's lives. You've already got the lead role in your own story. And trust me, the right supporting cast will show up, not despite your unfiltered self, but precisely because of it.
Now go forth and be magnificently, unapologetically, hilariously yourself. Your people are out there, probably being equally weird, waiting for someone exactly like you to make their weirdness make sense.
Thank you for reading, your time and attention mean everything. This essay is free, but if you found value in it, consider buying me a coffee to support my work. For more thoughts and short notes, find me on Instagram.